Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

So there we were, emotionally crushed after our viewing of Blue Valentine, wandering around the house trying to think of something that might give us some sort of belief in the possibility of happiness. Thank goodness, Miles had just got a copy of Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a highly-recommended entry in Andy Sidaris' "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes" collection. That- along with a healthy dose of chocolate chip cookies and alcoholic beverages- was just what we needed! The loose and often non-sensical plot follows Hawaii-based DEA agent Donna (Dona Speir) and recent addition to the witness protection program Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) as they match wits and firepower with a local drug lord. Meanwhile there's a diseased, toxic mutant snake running wild around their island. And there's some sort of topless epidemic afflicting all of the women.

Oh dang. This movie is amazing in so many ways. We started off with a "Drink every time something awesome happens" rule, but I had to give that up about 15 minutes in because I was too busy laughing/gasping/swearing in enjoyment to take any more sips. The credits clued us in to the kind of low-budget, ridiculous movie we were in for, featuring 5 minutes of packing crates literally stamped with the names of every cast and crew member. We're pretty sure they didn't know how to overlay credits sequences and couldn't hire a person who could. It's so endearing.

This is the kind of movie whose charms can't really be encapsulated, but should rather be experienced. There's bad acting, big hair, goofy outfits, a variety of boobs, violent deaths with very fake gore, inane conversations, some truly inventive action sequences. Frisbee with razor edges? Bazooka vs "Armed Skateboarder with Blow-up Doll"? Deadly mutant snake erupting from a toilet? This Sidaris guy knows what the people want! And I got to yell "OH SHIT!" a bunch of times, which is a big plus for an action movie.

The dialogue may be poor, the plot may be extremely under-developed, the sex scenes may be physically questionable, but doggonit if Hard Ticket to Hawaii isn't exceptional entertainment. Watch it drunk, watch it when you're feeling wicked depressed after a sad movie, watch it while licking cookie dough off of a spoon: no matter how you take it in, it is bound to be an enjoyable time. Unless you don't like fun.